31 :: My Best and Worst Year Part 1: The Worst

PART 1

I found myself at the most epic night of worship last night.  It was something I almost passed up going to but I'm so glad I didn't.  And I found it a fitting way to close out my 31st year of life and open up my 32nd.

My 31st year of life has had the most wild ups and downs that I have ever experienced in my life.  The turbulence I went through left me stretched beyond what I thought possible.  I didn't see any of it coming yet survived it all.

My experiences aren't life and death or mind bending, but for me, it was outside anything I have gone through and I know it was Jesus working in my heart and life because I am ready for ministry.  I once heard from Christine Cain that God will break you to anoint you and I believe that this past year has been just that; my anointing.  And some of this could be uncomfortable to share but what is the point of Jesus working in our lives if we keep it all to ourselves??

I had a pretty calm life during my twenties. I was married at 20.  I owned a home with my husband at 22.  I became a mother at 24 and again at 27.  I had about 50,000,000 jobs trying to figure out what I was supposed to do with my personal, professional life.  I just kind of surfed through it.  I landed the ups and downs of life with my husband at my side and rarely took chances.  I was happy being a wife and mom and always considered anything else gravy.  The most "out of the blue" thing that happened to me was a job offer from my pastor.  I had been leading worship at my church every week and he came to me offering me a creative position with our church while asking me to step aside from leading worship every week.  It was a decision I wrestled with but ultimately decided to take job and step back from what I loved doing.

My position at the church has since grown tremendously in the last 3 and a half years of my employment.  I found myself helping out with our youth group with my husband every week and also getting back into helping with the praise team.  We got pretty serious with our youth group and helped every week, went to summer camp and any activities they did, we participated in.  Last year, we put on our own youth camp for 4 days the month before my birthday and it was what sparked in my mind that ministry was where God was leading me.  I was praying over the camp and the kids and God spoke to me in a quiet room and told me, "I have a ministry for you." and gave me a vision of me speaking to a large group of people.  I answered the call and surrendered to what He had for me, whatever it may be and went forward.

I have to admit that 30 scared me.  I dreaded it.  I was nervous of the label of being "in my thirties" and that it might slow me down.  I'm a fast, fun loving, loud person.  But everyone told me that I was going to love my thirties and it's the most fun I'll have.  I'm so glad people spoke that life into me because it's true.  Being 30 has been incredible.  It's been exciting and life altering.  And I like to remind myself that everything officially started for Jesus when he was 30.

This past year has been the best year of my life so far.  But it has also been the worst.  And I'll tell you why...

I'll start with the worst.

I completely lost my health. Anything that I needed to fight off sickness, I killed it with endless trips to the Dr. who constantly prescribed me antibiotics.  I started with a stubborn staph infection that wouldn't leave (Thank you, Youth Camp, and your tarp games with soap and water).  I had 4 sinus infections in 5 months, a case of strep and even lost an organ thus killing my immune system.

A few days before Christmas I had a gallbladder attack that lasted 6 hours one day and 12 the next landing me in the ER on my husband's birthday, the 23rd of December.  If that guy doesn't have the worst birthday luck ever, I don't know who does.  I've had gallbladder attacks for 3 years and this one  did me in.  It put me 18 hours at the ER 2 days before Christmas.  They didn't want to take it out that day so they had this INCREDIBLE idea to put me on a clear liquid diet over Christmas.  I'll tell you what, only being allowed and able to eat jello and broth during feast season was a cruel form of punishment.  I got to watch everyone eat their hearts out with roast beef, mashed potatoes, cinnamon rolls, shrimp, cheese balls and stuffed mushrooms while I sipped on my water.  I'll be honest and tell you that I had a good cry on Christmas morning when I looked at my menu of noodleless and chickenless soup.

2 days later I developed a fever and had it taken out.  I lost 10 lbs that week.  Over the next 7 months of inability to eat any type of meat, dairy, high fat, high carb food, I lost 20 more lbs.  If I ate something that my body couldn't handle, it was like labor pains.  Sometimes I was too afraid to eat, so I just wouldn't.  I had no energy. I was struggling with depression and chronic fatigue.  I was a mess and I felt out of control.

Before I had my gallbladder out, I messed up pretty good with words I spoke to some important people in my life and was dealing with guilt and depression over my failure.

This was my lowest low I have had since I had broken up with a boyfriend, and this was worse.

God brought me to a deep, dark, lonely pit.  And I felt like all I could do was stand there and inhale all that was happening to me but never exhaling.  I was 2 seconds from walking away from my faith and every time I turned around to do that, someone was there to meet me at that door and pull me back in.  I know that if I ever walked away from Jesus and who He is, I would fall down a 2nd dark, scary pit and it would be even harder to climb out of that one than the one I was already in. 

So I chose Jesus. 

I chose him again and again.  My faith was hanging on by shreds and my relationship with him was inactive and barely alive.  But I would still meet with him.  I would write in my prayer journal I bought and I was doing a bible study about finding joy because my joy was gone.

I kept finding myself in intense worship settings that were totally obscure.  Like, one day, I found myself going to DC with my best friend (who has carried me through all of this and given me more grace than a friend should have to.  I love you, Christina!)  We were headed to Passion City Church in DC for a night of worship (see a pattern here??) and David Crowder was going to be there.  He lead me to the throne that night. It was a random, cold, March night and I found forgiveness and redemption that night with the words that he sang and the words that were preached. Crowder is so anointed with his song writing.  If you never have, you need to just read the words to his songs.

I know this is depressing and not a super happy way to remember my 31st year of life, but this is reality.  This is what I have experienced in the last 12 months of my life.  Life is messy and dirty.  We mess up, we say stupid things, we do idiotic stuff and need healing.  Our bodies fail us and betray us.  I know so many other people are dealing with life threatening diseases and sicknesses and all I had was an organ give out on me and make it so I couldn't eat food like I used to, but it took me down a trail of life I didn't know.

I'm so incredibly thankful for a steadfast and patient husband who was by my side through it all.  This year has brought us so close together.  He has walked this road with me, taken care of my sick body, put up with my selfishness and pity parties through it all.  He has helped me overcome so much and just held my hand.  If nothing else, just having someone there to hold your hand and sit with you in the ER on his birthday no less is all that we can ask for in life.  I have a soul mate in my husband.

I'm even more thankful for a God who will never leave me where I'm standing. He'll never let me be driven by the wind and tossed.  He's here to carefully sculpt me and make me into what He has planned for me.  Sculpting clay takes time.  It takes precision and a good eye.  It takes friction and molding.  It takes fire.  I stand here today and say that I've experienced all of that and I am not the same person I was when I turned 30 a year ago.  I'm 200% different.  I'm completely changed and it's for the better.  I have a better understanding of what your body failing you does to someone.  I know how to pray for them more specifically.  I understand failure more and how people who need grace the most are typically the ones we see who don't deserve that.  I pray that I can give grace out more candidly now and love people easier because I don't know what they're going through.

See?

It's getting better already.

Read part two here!