Place

 I moved around a lot as a kid. I grew up military so we relocated every 3ish years to a new state or country. Each time we moved, it was always such a big adventure for me. It was exciting to me to have a new environment and to enter a new, empty home that we would occupy for the new few years. Each house I lived in I recall fond memories. I remember where I ended up playing the most in my bedrooms. I remember playing outside and the fun we would have with the stories we made up with each neighborhood kid we befriended. My childhood was fun and I loved the constant change.

But, I always had Michigan. Michigan was my magical place I could go where things never changed. My grandparents would never leave and never move. Even some portions of their homes remained the same from when my parents were kids. That was always like a chance to time travel. I loved getting there and exploring all the history and seeing my parents as kids. The fun we had there was always something I could depend on. 10 days at a time, 2 times a year, I would get to escape and enter into a world where everything was the same every time I came there. The toys never moved. The towels even stayed the same. The hats and gloves we used for sledding were always there. The croquet set was always in the closet. The places we visited together while we were there didn’t change. It was something I could always rely on, that Michigan would always be there for me. But as I grew older, situations started changing, like our finances. My dad was demobilized during the shrinking of the military in the 90’s. We moved off base and we had to cut costs, and our visits to Michigan were one of them. Our family car got to be too unreliable to make the 600+ mile trip. I didn’t get to visit for a good 7 years. My grandparents always came to see us and that was a special time, but the environment of Michigan was magical to me (and it still is!). East Lansing Michigan is a small, college town. Everyone lives super close to each other. Every house is different from the other. Old houses are everywhere. The charm and quaint township is something I adore and it’s where I’ve gone to escape. The ability to walk to the coffee shop is lost on me in my big city where I live. The 10 minute drive between my grandparents house always made for flexible visiting. Once I got old enough, I started taking my own kids there and its just as magical for them as it is for me. But little by little, Michigan is losing its magic. I visited once before I was a parent and my grandma told me my grandpa was going to pass soon. This shattered a safe world I always looked to to catch me in life. Nothing was supposed to change here. But here, my grandpa was beginning to fade and a little more than a year later, he died. My grandpa was an incredible grandpa to me. He loved me and played with me. I remember talking to him and loving the sound of his voice. But as he got older, he forgot who I was. He got angry at me and was harsh. I was in my 20’s but oh my god, this crushed me. I later found out that this loveable man I adored as my grandpa wasn’t the father to my dad and uncles or husband to my grandma that matched his relationship to me. He wasn’t as loveable or as patient, kind or tender to them. He was harsh and strict. He’s described as bitter and mean and grumpy. This was super difficult for me to accept because of how he was towards me. But in my experience with therapy, I’ve discovered the approach called both/and and it brings me peace. My grandpa was both an incredible grandpa to me and a harsh father to my dad and uncles. He was tender to me and also controlling to my grandma. In this space of confusion, I have accepted my experience with this man and also have been able to sit and listen to the experience of my family members when it came to him. It has made me have compassion for them and their dealings with my grandpa, but also made me very thankful for this special relationship I was gifted with him that only me and my siblings seemed to have had. This has taught me some hard empathy and how much it is needed in all relationships. When people are this diverse and have this much space in their experiences with each other, we can hold space for the both/and approach. I know my grandpa loved his family, but I also understand that he was difficult to please and didn’t offer them the love he offered to me. If I can do this for my grandpa, whom I loved dearly, and for my family, whom I also love dearly, I can do this for others. Empathy can save the world. If we can set down what we know to be true and make space for what is so different from what we have known, we can make others feel seen and heard and understood. We can apply this to race, politics, gender identity, religion, sexual orientation, stereotypes within roles like motherhood and fatherhood. This list is exhaustive but the process doesn’t have to be. To sit and listen is one of the greatest gifts you can give to someone. To put yourself in their position and believe them is a high form of love, because you’re dying to yourself and being willing to see from a point of view much different than you might otherwise know. How beautiful it is to see someone’s humanity and all their experiences. Will you gift that to someone?