An Open Letter of Apology From a White Woman

I am a white woman, almost 33 years old.
I'm a wife and mother.
My family is white.  I grew up in a white home.  My childhood was carefree and loving, free from harm and major trauma.  I  wasn't immune to hardship and I'm still not, but I am awakening to a world of trauma, hatred, anger and pain that has always been around me, I've just closed my eyes to it.

I believe people get lost in their own worlds.  They know their own pain.  They understand their own hardships.  They are recovering from their own trauma.  And when #blacklivesmatter pops up into their feed, those lost in their own world think, but what about my life?? What about MY pain?

This is a fair place to jump to, because we are all toxic people with traits of narcissism.  We want to be remembered and thought of.  Selflessness isn't innate.  What isn't fair, though, is when we stay there.

I saw a post on Instagram from a page called @storiesofamediocremom and she posted this:

Comments flooded in from white moms who defended their children and their risk, that they worry too.  And it got to the point that the poster turned off comments and later said she lost 300 followers yesterday due to speaking out against racism (Which she gladly welcomes).  It was sad to me to see so many moms missing the point, missing the heart of the post.  And I believe they truly believe they live in the same world as black people, but the bottom line is, no we don't.

Who wants to admit to being ignorant?? Who wants to eat that slice of humble pie and say that they were wrong and they didn't understand??  It might seem like a blow to your ego (because it is) but the bigger blow is ignoring the dark reality for black people and all people of color.

I'm here to admit my ignorance and apologize for my inaction, for my silence, for my unfollows because I am a white woman who saw #blacklivesmatter and thought, #alllivesmatter.  But that isn't the point of what the Black Lives Matter movement stands for.  AT ALL.

I am here to confess that I thought racism was dead.  I thought we overcame it when slavery was abolished.  I thought it was a thing of the past, because I wasn't racist.

This isn't true.

Racism is alive.  It's alive because black people have to teach their kids what to do to stay alive for a traffic stop.  Black people have to worry about walking around at night and walking around during the day.  Black people have to worry about too many things.  Things that I'll never deal with or fully be able to wrap my mind around and comprehend as a white woman married to a white man with white children.  The list is too long.

My first thought was that since I cared then that means other people cared, so black people don't need a movement.  I am sorry for thinking this.  Because for every person that isn't racist, someone who is racist has a megaphone and drowns out your non-racism.  I saw posts on instagram and I unfollowed.  I sit here with myself and I ask myself why I did that.  Why did I turn a blind eye? What was my argument for why it didn't deserve a soapbox?  And every argument I remind myself that I had doesn't make sense any more.  It doesn't align with what my heart breathes into my soul now.

My arguments were:
"He shouldn't have fought the police."
"He shouldn't have been selling those cigarettes."
"He was going to go get high with what he had so he wasn't good anyways."

It makes me shutter to think that these were my thoughts at one point.  It breaks my heart and it is so detestable that I now must stand on the other side of this argument.

Humans are humans.  We all have our very own, unique story that unfolds with the experiences from our lives.  What brings us to a point to need to sell illegal things to make money?  What brings us to a point that we need to go get high? Humans are in pain, friend.  We are hurting and we are surviving, staying alive for one more day by whatever means we can find.  The pain black people and all people of color experience is unfathomable.  But this isn't to say that every death we hear about is from a black person who did something that is used as the cause their wrongful death.  There are plenty of scenarios where they do nothing and die (see Ahmaud Arbery among all of the millions of other deaths we never heard about).

What is the ointment to this ailment that we can give?

Love and empathy.

Listening and learning.

Apologies without "but".

And it starts with white people shutting the hell up and listening, apologizing and then speaking out.  I read that it's no longer acceptable to just be non-racist.  We must be anti-racist.  So here I am.

I am sorry it took me so long, but I'm here.  I don't care any more about what people will think, who I'll piss off, because if I'm pissing you off with my outrage of unfair deaths and treatment of people of color, then I pray this blog plants a seed in your soul to one day blossom into the tree of action that I have grown within myself.

I didn't arrive here on my own and it didn't happen overnight.  It grew from the seed planted from Black Lives Matter and was watered with each conversation I sat in on.  I sat silently, uncomfortably, with every situation I found myself in that had discussions of what people of color endure, what they go through regularly.  I am very thankful to Reggie Joiner of Orange who has made it a point to include this topic at every Orange conference I went to when I was a children's pastor in the last year.  Those hard conversations helped open my eyes little by little to see that racism is alive and the stories I heard about how forms of love helped change someone's life.

It's not enough to not be so full of hate that you kill a black person anymore or treat them differently.  That doesn't accomplish anything.  A "like" on Facebook or Instagram doesn't help.

Voting helps.
Making calls helps.
Reading helps.
Speaking out helps.
Listening helps.
Donating to black organization helps.
Loving helps.

I pray that you can make the move from silent, non-racist to vocal, anti-racist with me.

And if you're a racist, I pray every word I've written stings your heart to the point of brokenness.  I pray they cause you to wrestle with yourself, that you have no peace until you change from the inside out.

Here are organizations you can donate to:
https://uncf.org/
https://www.byp100.org/
https://colorofchange.org/
http://anewwayoflife.org/
https://dreamdefenders.org/

Here are books you can purchase or download:
Me and White Supremacy by Layla F Saad
White Fragility by Robin Diangelo
How To Be An Antiracist by Ibram X. Kendi

If I misspoke or caused harm with any of my words, please tell me.  I want to learn.  I want to do my part.  I want to be an ally.

"White feelings should never be held in higher regard than black lives." Rachel Cargle


Full of hope,
Becki

Further resources for you to take action:
https://medium.com/equality-includes-you/what-white-people-can-do-for-racial-justice-f2d18b0e0234